Never Watch A Bad Movie Again

Alicia Silverstone v. Jennifer Connelly. I pick not the anorexic one trying to rob me of my money.

I'm going to ignore the first half of that last post. Haiku is gayer than Brady Quinn, and I didn't use it.

Additionally, Americans can read more than three paragraphs of text. But why should they? What's the reward? We learned how to read and shit when we were 2 years old (or 38 if you're Shannon Sharpe). There's no reason to do it now unless it's worth something. I know the only reason you're wasting time reading D&C is so I can tell you what to think. So here ya go.

Watching a movie is a big commitment. That's three hours out of the day for you to pay attention to plot detail and try to piece together a story that doesn't involve porn. This doesn't include time spent trying to figure out how to actually work the DVD player, get the remote into the right "mode," or random pauses to eat/relieve yourself.

So when you decide to invest your time in a movie, that shit better be good. I'm not talking "cute and entertaining like the Truman Show" good, I mean "the female lead should pop out of the screen and blow you while Al Pacino kneecaps someone" good. A revolution must be seared into my retina if the movie is worth my time.

To help you figure out whether the film you chose is good, here's a checklist of elements necessary to a quality film (not numbered because numbers are for Math majors and Peter cocksucking King) :

An easy to understand plot with a believable yet unexpected twist or two near the end
A random-ass location
At least one Black dude
Two attractive girls max (any more and it becomes a Michael Bay production)
Any combination of drugs, guns, missiles, or knives
Any combination of Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, Jon Voigt, Matt Damon, and Bruce Willis
No Shia LeBeouf
Not directed by McG
A car chase
A club
Police
Suits
One character only referred to by his/her first name
Seven displays of badassery at least
Under three hours (The Godfather is exempt)

Do this and you will never be disappointed. Count it.

--Brosef, son of Jacob