You Are the Battered Wife of Tom Cruise

Monday Night Football means the insight of Tony Kornheiser. Whoever appointed Tony Kornheiser to the triumvariate of MNF announcers ought to be suspended indefinitely and made to appear in a Congressional hearing. Listening to Kornheiser (or reading Peter King) address Brett Favre or the Patriots is similar to hearing a slightly obese, nerdy high-schooler express his love for the prom queen. (Vomit-inducing, I would know) I understand the idea of Kornheiser as a shitty announcer is old news and the meaning of this entry is not to argue in a non-debate. I want to offer some more annoying replacement suggestions for the 2009 NFL Season of MNF.

1) Al Michaels with an overweight fan from each team. The British have this for Premiership matches (Fanzone) and it is quite amusing. The fan would have to satisfy specific conditions:

- Weight equal to/exceeding 275 pounds
- Bad facial hair
- A jersey of a player on the team (more consideration for a defunct player/retro jersey/a size smaller than needed
- Bad regional accent
- A tendency for alcohol over-consumption

The possibilities are endless:

- Glass walls (not soundproof, just strong enough to discourage violence)
- Shotgunning/Beer Bonging/Eating Contests during Commercials
- Madden Nation-esque "One on One" with the camera
- Cheerleader critiques
- Special Lesbian v. Lesbian edition, etc.

The downfall:

- Roger Goodell is a prude
- The potential for disgusting images (rolls, lovehandles, stretchmarks, etc.)
- New Yorkers are annoying
- The game would have to be run on a delay to censor the numerous expletives

2) Men-specific and women-specific channels

- Having Erin Andrews report twice a game is not enough (I still haven't gotten over these Erin Andrews/UNC point guard Frasor rumors)

* Note on Erin Andrews - She needs to settle down with a nice guy (Fuck you Tim Tebow) and stop playing games with every single, 20 - something year old male. Not cool Erin, not cool.

* Another note on Erin Andrews - The mission statement of this site states and I quote, "We will not be Deadspin.com and post every minor dramatic incident in Erin Andrews life unless said incident involves the letters NSFW, whereas we will have 24 hour uninterrupted coverage. Thank you."

- Women enjoy discussing bone-structure and uniforms (Apparently Rajon Rondo possesses very feminine cheek bones)

3) Suggestions for color commentators/play by play announcers

- Al Pacino, Morgan Freeman, T-Pain (w/ voice synthesizer), Quagmire/Stewie/Peter, Agent Smith, Gary Busey, Sylvester Stallone, an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard compilation, Lost in Space Robot, Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore too.

- Tommy Heinsohn


Random Moments from Sunday and Monday (Yes, I unwillingly read the Aggravating Travel Moment of the Week from Peter King)

- Tribal armbands need to die (unless you are badass i.e. a Samoan, play Rugby for the All-Blacks, or are named Mimi-Siku) You live in the suburbs, drive a Dodge, and do not fight cannibal pygmies in the jungles of Papua New Guinea.

- The Gator (Fuck you Tim Tebow) did not get him.

- WTF, Michael Phelps is a world-class athlete, rich AND famous. Are you kidding me God? He could play a Goomba in another Mario Brothers Movie.

- Have you ever been having a conversation with someone, the topic changes, and then 20 minutes later the person goes unexpectedly goes back to the original topic. WTF, I just got T-boned by the Straight Talk Express.

- I am anticipating a viewing of "Valkyrie." Tom Cruise is my alcoholic abusive husband and I am his loyal, battered and bruised wife. Everything was wonderful in the beginning with Risky Business, Cocktail, Top Gun. Then there were signs of trouble with Vanilla Sky and War of the Worlds. And then he battered me with the whole Scientology/Oprah event. The sad truth is I will continue to come back for more. I am going to discuss in a future entry, I need to explore this more.

- I love the shoe-throwing incident for several reasons.

1) Everyone has given up on this administration including Bush, the Secret Service, and the Terrorists.
2) Bush calmly dodged both shoes and then made a quip. A quip, a FUCKING quip, therefore I give him kudos. Can you see Richard Nixon or Jimmy Carter giving a quip? Hell no.
3) Everyone gets to watch the scene from Austin Powers where the villain throws a shoe. Who throws a shoe, honestly?
4) Nike or Adidas? Cole Haan or Allen Edmonds? These are the questions we must ask of this administration.







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