First things first...The pictures used in the post of GDL are misleading. Alicia Silverstone is only attractive if you prefer the appearance of a relapsing meth addict who just finished a 12 hour shift at a West Virginia coal mine.
I applaud porn for offering a perfect formula for appeasing the audience. On average, how long until the "action" starts? 2 minutes or 3 minutes. Unfortunately, in the future, movies will have to be cut to accommodate the attention span of the average American. Or, movie theater popcorn will be saturated with Ritalin-butter. Outstanding, I am anticipating every movie in the future will have the plot depth and intricacy of Crank, or any other Jason Statham movie.
The running time of the "new" Braveheart will be about 12 minutes. Opening scene is the rolling hills of Scotland. Mel's wife gets cut. Mel fights Army #1. Mel blows fire bolts out of his arse. Mel fights Army #2. Mel's shit is literally fucked up. Movie over. Wow, time to watch Dancing with the Stars, eat a Taco Bell Big Box, and drink a Busch. There are about four good movies (American Gangster, Beverly Hills Cop, Lethal Weapon, and Die Hard) according to the GDL checklist of quality movie components. Have fun watching Lethal Weapon 14 - I Am Way to Fucking Old for This Shit. However, kudos to the buddy cop genre (Mel Gibson/Danny Glover, Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker, Martin Lawrence/Will Smith, Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte/Judge Reinhold, and arguably Bruce Willis/The Fat Dude from Family Matters). I...Will always love you.
I do not support Cop/Crime solving animal movies...So fuck off Turner and Hooch.
Something which pretty much pisses me right off. Christmas songs on the radio in the month of November. I don't enjoy Christmas songs on Christmas, why would I enjoy Christmas songs for the eight weeks before Christmas? I enjoy listening to pretty much two songs - All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey and another I don't want to admit to. Furthermore, I enjoy All I Want For Christmas Is You, which means I don't want to listen to it twice an hour, every hour, for the twelve days of Christmas.
Christmas songs are fucked up anyway, more to come.
-You should pay me to sign my shit
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Sorry Future of Your Entertainment
Never Watch A Bad Movie Again
Additionally, Americans can read more than three paragraphs of text. But why should they? What's the reward? We learned how to read and shit when we were 2 years old (or 38 if you're Shannon Sharpe). There's no reason to do it now unless it's worth something. I know the only reason you're wasting time reading D&C is so I can tell you what to think. So here ya go.
Watching a movie is a big commitment. That's three hours out of the day for you to pay attention to plot detail and try to piece together a story that doesn't involve porn. This doesn't include time spent trying to figure out how to actually work the DVD player, get the remote into the right "mode," or random pauses to eat/relieve yourself.
So when you decide to invest your time in a movie, that shit better be good. I'm not talking "cute and entertaining like the Truman Show" good, I mean "the female lead should pop out of the screen and blow you while Al Pacino kneecaps someone" good. A revolution must be seared into my retina if the movie is worth my time.
To help you figure out whether the film you chose is good, here's a checklist of elements necessary to a quality film (not numbered because numbers are for Math majors and Peter cocksucking King) :
An easy to understand plot with a believable yet unexpected twist or two near the end
A random-ass location
At least one Black dude
Two attractive girls max (any more and it becomes a Michael Bay production)
Any combination of drugs, guns, missiles, or knives
Any combination of Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, Jon Voigt, Matt Damon, and Bruce Willis
No Shia LeBeouf
Not directed by McG
A car chase
A club
Police
Suits
One character only referred to by his/her first name
Seven displays of badassery at least
Under three hours (The Godfather is exempt)
Do this and you will never be disappointed. Count it.
--Brosef, son of Jacob Leia Mais…
I am the Walrus...Hoo-ahh!
Wow, unexpected criticism from GDL regarding the actual use of sentences and paragraphs. I didn't believe the anyone had the ability to write about blatant Brady Quinn homophobia in Haiku. However, GDL proved me wrong and I applaud him. Since I forgot the average American maintains a non-porn attention span of about 3.2 seconds, I will now write about widely varying topics in one-two sentence paragraphs involving words with no more than two syllables. How the FUCK can Americans spend hours playing Second Life or Spore and not even read three paragraphs of written text?
Some worthless thoughts from the first half of the day...
1) I hate when Girls (and Guys included) are in relationships with same-gender, platonic friends on Facebook. Homosexual and heterosexual couples aside, the relationship-friend status is not funny, is never funny, and will never be funny. Stop. Now.
2) I am about to watch Heat for the first time. What happened to Val Kilmer? How do you go from playing Batman to playing walrus?
2a) Alicia Silverstone is unattractive.
3) Jennifer Connelly is a hottie. Which is why I will see the panned The Day The Earth Stood Still. Even the Heroin-addicted Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream, I would bring home to meet my parents.
4) My home is in the Northeast and we just experienced a three day power outage. The staggering amount of depression and disilusionment showed the hopelessness of society, which is why I watch post-apocalyptic movies (30 Days of Night, Dawn of the Dead, Doomsday, Reign of Fire). Laugh now, when the shit hits fan, I will be busy surviving.
4a) I love Netflix. For 8.99, I can watch shitty movies for an entire month.
4b) 8 P.M. on AMC - Reign of Fire starring Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey. Instant Classic.
5) What have I seen recently: The Skulls, The Game, Heat, X-Files: I Want to Believe, Fred Claus, Charlie Wilson's War, Horton Hears a Who. Solid list.
5a) I need a better hobby. Is watching movies even considered a hobby? Probably not. Shit.
- Joshua "Ought to Quit Acting" Jackson
Blame Ohio for Your Problems
Brady Quinn learned at least one thing from those priests at Notre DameGuhh that was long. I'm sure EKB's previous post contained witty insight and quality observations, but it was more drawn out than the plot line of Lost. Halfway through I swear someone started yelling "We have to go back!" over and over.
Let me promise right now that the words 'Peter' and 'King' will never be used together without some derivation of 'cocksucker' adjoining it.
Now to address this Simmons-length post:
Monday Night Football is dead. ESPN, as usual, killed it, but not because of the announcers. If you don't like Tirico, Jaws, and Kornheiser, mute them. Problem solved. No, the reason MNF is dead is because of the sinkhole of suck out there on the field.
Last night, Eagles v. Browns. All the possibilities, and it's Eagles. Versus. Browns. It's a big ball of manly mediocrity jammed into the garbage heap that is Philadelphia. Nobody cares about this game, and if you do, then you're this guy. Congrats.
The Browns have played on Monday three times this year. Three times. That's more absurd than Tom Cruise getting a Golden Globe nomination for his bullshit Tropic Thunder cameo.
There is literally no one worth caring about on that team. Jamal Lewis was relevant in 2001. Brady Quinn is flaming and from Notre Dame.
That's it.
I don't know anyone else on the team, and I'm sure that's the case with 98% of America. The other 2% is from Ohio and knows every player on the Browns, but nothing else.
That said, I don't blame Kornheiser for sucking. On the contrary, I applaud him. You try talking about the Browns for three hours without cursing, saying "Brady Quinn is gay. Let's just get that out there," or having a full-on aneurysm. It's not gonna happen.
Additonally, the "overweight fan" EKB suggested already exists. His name is Jonathan Madden.
I didn't read the rest of the previous post, so you shouldn't either. Clip out my post, put it on the fridge, and dedicate this week to judging Ohio. It's not hard.
-- Bro-shon Moreno Leia Mais…
Monday, December 15, 2008
You Are the Battered Wife of Tom Cruise
Monday Night Football means the insight of Tony Kornheiser. Whoever appointed Tony Kornheiser to the triumvariate of MNF announcers ought to be suspended indefinitely and made to appear in a Congressional hearing. Listening to Kornheiser (or reading Peter King) address Brett Favre or the Patriots is similar to hearing a slightly obese, nerdy high-schooler express his love for the prom queen. (Vomit-inducing, I would know) I understand the idea of Kornheiser as a shitty announcer is old news and the meaning of this entry is not to argue in a non-debate. I want to offer some more annoying replacement suggestions for the 2009 NFL Season of MNF.
1) Al Michaels with an overweight fan from each team. The British have this for Premiership matches (Fanzone) and it is quite amusing. The fan would have to satisfy specific conditions:
- Weight equal to/exceeding 275 pounds
- Bad facial hair
- A jersey of a player on the team (more consideration for a defunct player/retro jersey/a size smaller than needed
- Bad regional accent
- A tendency for alcohol over-consumption
The possibilities are endless:
- Glass walls (not soundproof, just strong enough to discourage violence)
- Shotgunning/Beer Bonging/Eating Contests during Commercials
- Madden Nation-esque "One on One" with the camera
- Cheerleader critiques
- Special Lesbian v. Lesbian edition, etc.
The downfall:
- Roger Goodell is a prude
- The potential for disgusting images (rolls, lovehandles, stretchmarks, etc.)
- New Yorkers are annoying
- The game would have to be run on a delay to censor the numerous expletives
2) Men-specific and women-specific channels
- Having Erin Andrews report twice a game is not enough (I still haven't gotten over these Erin Andrews/UNC point guard Frasor rumors)
* Note on Erin Andrews - She needs to settle down with a nice guy (Fuck you Tim Tebow) and stop playing games with every single, 20 - something year old male. Not cool Erin, not cool.
* Another note on Erin Andrews - The mission statement of this site states and I quote, "We will not be Deadspin.com and post every minor dramatic incident in Erin Andrews life unless said incident involves the letters NSFW, whereas we will have 24 hour uninterrupted coverage. Thank you."
- Women enjoy discussing bone-structure and uniforms (Apparently Rajon Rondo possesses very feminine cheek bones)
3) Suggestions for color commentators/play by play announcers
- Al Pacino, Morgan Freeman, T-Pain (w/ voice synthesizer), Quagmire/Stewie/Peter, Agent Smith, Gary Busey, Sylvester Stallone, an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard compilation, Lost in Space Robot, Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore too.
- Tommy Heinsohn
Random Moments from Sunday and Monday (Yes, I unwillingly read the Aggravating Travel Moment of the Week from Peter King)
- Tribal armbands need to die (unless you are badass i.e. a Samoan, play Rugby for the All-Blacks, or are named Mimi-Siku) You live in the suburbs, drive a Dodge, and do not fight cannibal pygmies in the jungles of Papua New Guinea.
- The Gator (Fuck you Tim Tebow) did not get him.
- WTF, Michael Phelps is a world-class athlete, rich AND famous. Are you kidding me God? He could play a Goomba in another Mario Brothers Movie.
- Have you ever been having a conversation with someone, the topic changes, and then 20 minutes later the person goes unexpectedly goes back to the original topic. WTF, I just got T-boned by the Straight Talk Express.
- I am anticipating a viewing of "Valkyrie." Tom Cruise is my alcoholic abusive husband and I am his loyal, battered and bruised wife. Everything was wonderful in the beginning with Risky Business, Cocktail, Top Gun. Then there were signs of trouble with Vanilla Sky and War of the Worlds. And then he battered me with the whole Scientology/Oprah event. The sad truth is I will continue to come back for more. I am going to discuss in a future entry, I need to explore this more.
- I love the shoe-throwing incident for several reasons.
1) Everyone has given up on this administration including Bush, the Secret Service, and the Terrorists.
2) Bush calmly dodged both shoes and then made a quip. A quip, a FUCKING quip, therefore I give him kudos. Can you see Richard Nixon or Jimmy Carter giving a quip? Hell no.
3) Everyone gets to watch the scene from Austin Powers where the villain throws a shoe. Who throws a shoe, honestly?
4) Nike or Adidas? Cole Haan or Allen Edmonds? These are the questions we must ask of this administration.
-
Posts
